I Never Told You
by purplepagoda
Summary: Will she ever forgive him. Will Alex let him in when her world starts to fall apart? Will he still be around when she needs him to keep her from falling.
1. Scars

Each day she holds her head high, pretending to be ok, not wanting anyone to see the scars of her past. She goes through the motions each day, praying that no one would ever catch on. But there was one, he saw her. He knew that the things she never mentioned, were the ones that cut the deepest. He knew her better than anyone. She hated to admit it, but she needed him, she would never be able to go on without him. He was her pillar of strength between a rock and a hard place.

She picks at her salad, not saying much, just listening. He looks at her, and in a moment of clarity, without any notice, he just stops. He looks at her, but she's too busy picking at the salad to notice. He touches her hand, the hand that's wrapped around a fork. She freezes, and her eyes move from her plate. She looks up at him. She sees in his eyes that he's waiting on her. She doesn't say anything, so he takes the lead, just the way she was used to. She needed to be lead, she needed it, to get out of her own head.

"You know I always do all the talking. I guess that I've just known you too long. I expect you to let me do the talking. What's on your mind?"

She looks out the window of the restaurant, taken off guard by his gesture. "It's nothing," she lies.

"Nothing? I don't believe it. You can't lie to me."

"I..." she begins, but finds herself at a total loss of words.

"I'll grab the check and..."

She begins shaking her head.

"Talk to me. Just once talk to me," he begs.

"Ok," she agrees.

He grabs the check, and they walk toward the car, that's parked next to the curb, just yards from the diner. He walks to the passenger's side, and waits for her to unlock the door. He turns around when she doesn't. He finds her standing next to him, dangling the keys in front of him. He meets her gaze, looking at her questioningly.

"You should decide before I change my mind," she goads.

He takes the keys from her hand, and walks around to the other side. They climb inside the car. She puts her seatbelt on, and he turns on the car. He locks the door, but the car doesn't move. She looks at him in irritation.

"Are you going to drive or..."

"Not until you talk to me."

"This is a silly game, even for you."

"You know everything there is to know about me, but you... you share so little."

"What do you want me to share, exactly?"

"Your deepest darkest secret," he taunts.

She scowls at him. "Is there something specific you want to know, because, if not then... we should go."

"Where? We have nowhere to be," he points out.

"What do you want to know?" she questions in irritation.

"I want to know about you."

"What?"

He takes a moment, racking his brain for a satisfactory answer. Finally something comes to mind. His eyes lock with hers, "How did you get the scar on your shoulder blade?"

"I got it when I was working on Vice," she answers.

"I didn't ask when. I asked how," he reminds her.

"I got it when I was working a case," she responds.

"How?"

"I have a better question, how do you know about it?"

"Doesn't matter," he points out.

"I got it undercover. I said something smart, and...he warned me to think twice before saying anything else?"

"With a knife in your shoulder blade?"

"I was stupid, and I had to respond," she answers numbly.

"Why do you try so hard to cover up all of your scars?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"What aren't you telling me?"

She huffs, "Things that you don't need to know," she reveals.

"Please tell me," he begs.

"I can't," he lip quivers.

"Can't, or won't?"

"I can't talk about them. I..."

"Legally you can't talk about them, or you just can't bring yourself to talk about them?"

"Are you trying to interrogate me?"

"No," he shakes his head.

"It sure feels like it."

"I'm not," he promises softly.

"You don't want to know," she murmurs.

He turns off the car.

"What did you do that for? We'll melt," she growls.

"Then start talking."

"Stop interrogating me," she warns.

"Please," he begs.

"Ok," she agrees. "It was one of the first times I went undercover. I was under for sixteen months. From September of ninety-four to January of ninety-six."

"That's a long time to be undercover."

"Too long. I saw things that…" she trails off.

"Tell me about it."

She takes herself back to that place, back to the person she was, then. Who she was, and who she was pretending to be.

"I remember it more vividly than I've ever wanted to," she admits.

"Yeah?"

"I was young and naïve. I made a lot of mistakes."

"Did you blow your cover?"

"That was never an issue."

"It was _never_ an issue?"

"I was fully committed to my cover, but there were still problems," she reveals.

"What kind of problems?"

"I got in too deep."

"What was your cover?"

"I was originally just supposed to collar a couple of big time drug dealers, but one of them really liked me, and my boss told me to go with it."

"So how badly did things go?"

"As bad as they can go."

"Care to elaborate?"

"Not particularly."

"What was your cover?"

"I was just supposed to be a waitress at the bar that they frequented."

"You as a waitress? Now that's something I'd like to see."

"I was a very good waitress."


	2. Open Wounds

_September 29__th__ 1994~ She's in an apartment filled with an unsavory group of people. The living room is filled with drugs, and money. She ignores the urge to run as far, and as fast as possible. She takes a deep breath and tries not to breakdown. The ringleader eyes the guy sitting next to her. The young man next to her, who she knew could be no older than sixteen, gets up, and goes to the other side of the room. The ringleader sits down next to her._

"_Babe why are you so on edge? Calm down," he tells her._

"_Sorry. I'm just not used to... being so well taken care of," she lies._

"_Guys it's time," he tells them._

_Her heart sinks. The room clears out. "I know that some of them can be intimidating," he says smoothly._

"_Not at all."_

"_You don't have to be so tough. I'll take care of you. You don't have to worry about a thing, Jenny."_

"_What do you want in return?"_

"_I just want to be taken care of," he admits._

"_And what exactly does that entail Calvin?"_

"_Cook, and clean, and satisfy all of my manly needs."_

"_I see."_

"_Do you want to be my girl, or not? You know that there are ten more in line, just waiting for your place."_

"_I know. I'm just not used to having such a successful guy in my life."_

"_Jen just relax."_

"_How can I relax? You're going out with the crew later, aren't you?"_

"_Yeah, of course."_

"_So how can I relax? I don't know if you're going to come back."_

"_Jen, I'm bulletproof."_

"_No one is bulletproof Calvin."_

"_I am," he promises._

_His hand touches her leg. She stares into his eyes. He starts to massage her shoulders._

"_I'm not in the mood," she tells him._

"_Jen we've been together for two weeks. I think that I've been pretty reasonable. It's time for you to take care of me."_

_She gets off the couch. She moves towards the kitchen. He grabs her by the arm. "Jen," he follows her, "I'm not a bad guy. I know that you don't like what I'm doing for a living, but I'll be getting out of the game real soon. Then it will be me and you livin it up on easy street, I promise."_

_She purses her lips, "Calvin. I..."_

"_Don't argue with me, please. I don't want to hurt you."_

"_I'm sorry, but I just got out of a relationship and..."_

"_Stop. This is going to happen tonight, or I'll put you back on the street, right where I found you," he warns._

_She leans against the sink, with her back turned to him. He begins kissing her neck. She fights back the tears. She grips the counter around the sink, as if it can protect her, save her, stop him. _

"_Stop," she begs._

"_Stop? Jen that word is not in my vocabulary."_

"_Please," she pleads._

"_I can't."_

"_I... I don't know where you've been."_

"_You think that just because of my business connections I sleep around? You think that I put it down where it doesn't belong? I'm not into prostitutes. I'm clean. I'm not idiot. You're safe Jen. I wouldn't want to give you something."_

"_So you're saying that I'm protected?"_

"_Ain't nothing going to come between me and you," he answers._

"_I think that I should go," she tells him._

_That's when she feels the blade against her back. She tries to move, but the knife just digs deeper. _

"_Just do what I tell you, and everything will be fine."_

"_I don't like being told what to do."_

_He draws the knife under her shoulder blade until she bleeds. She gasps, but she doesn't dare move. He spins her around._

"_Are you going to play nice, or am I going to have to hurt you?" He puts his palms on the wall behind the sink. She finds herself pinned between him and the sink. Without a second thought she slips under his arms. He races past her, and locks the door. He comes towards her. "Don't," she begs._

"_I don't like this," he tells her._

"_You expect me to believe that this doesn't give you some sort of sick pleasure?"_

_His jaw clenches and he throws the knife into the wall behind him. He moves towards her so quickly that she can't react. He tosses her over his shoulder, and races into the bedroom. He slams the door, and locks it as she tries to wriggle loose. He throws her on the bed, and pulls a pair of handcuffs out of the draw of the bedside stand. He smiles, "A parting gift from my last run in with the law," he tells her as he handcuffs her to the bedpost. _

She gasps for air. She looks around the room, and finds that she's in her own bed. She flips on the lamp, and tries to catch her breath. She knows that sleep is not going to come her way again that night. She climbs out of bed, and goes into the kitchen. She makes herself a cup of chamomile tea, and curls up on her couch with the remote. She refuses to close her eyes, not wanting to go back to that nightmare, that reality.

She picks up her phone just after sunrise, knowing he'd be awake.

"Goren," he answers.

"Join me for breakfast?"

"You buying?"

"I'll drive, you buy."

"Pancakes?"

"Do you have to ask?"

"Guess not."

"I'll be there in twenty."

"Alex you ok?"

"Fine. Just wanted to talk to you."

"I'll be waiting."

"Bye, Bobby," she hangs up.

When she arrives he notices the deep, dark circles under her eyes. When they reach the sidewalk outside his building he holds out his hand, palm up. She hands him the keys without a word.

"Didn't sleep last night?" he questions as she closes the car door.

"No. I had... I just couldn't sleep, too much on my mind."

"Wanna talk about it?"


	3. Stitches In Time

_November 13__th__ 1994_

"_Get up," he insists._

"_Where are we going?"_

"_Jen, it's Sunday, we're going to church."_

"_How could I forget?"_

"_I don't know. We've gone to church the past six Sunday's in a row."_

"_Calvin I don't want to go."_

"_I bought you that new dress for a reason."_

"_Calvin I don't feel good."_

"_Jen... how do you think it's going to look if my future wife isn't in church?"_

"_I'll be there next Sunday. If it makes you feel better I can go on Wednesday."_

"_Fine."_

"_Do you want me to make you breakfast?" she questions as her head throbs._

_He sits on the edge of the bed. The edge of the bed that she had been sleeping in with him, for the past two months. The bed that she had become completely numb in. The one where she had finally surrendered to his desires. She didn't know that eventually she'd give in to him without a fight, that it was easier._

"_No, I think I'll grab breakfast with the guys before church."_

"_Ok."_

_He kisses her, she participates, numbly. He touches her wrist. "It's healing nicely. Are you going to make me use the cuffs next time?"_

_She swallows hard, "I don't know," she shrugs._

"_Love you, see you after church." _

_He leaves her alone in the apartment. She nearly drowns in her own tears as she scrubs every inch of her body, in the shower. He tried to be a good man. He went to church every Sunday to pay restitution for his sins. He took her took nice dinners, bought her flowers, and gifts, reparation for forcing himself on her, and leaving bruises. She dries her hair, and gets dressed. She applies heavy concealer_ _to hide the evidence of rough, sleepless nights. She goes into the kitchen, and makes toast. She sits on the counter, eating solemnly. She faces the fridge. The calendar taunts her. _

_She finishes her cereal, and gets off the counter. She places the bowl in the sink, and goes to the fridge. She looks over the counter. She had been undercover for nine weeks. She had been here, in this hell-hole of an apartment for seven. She had been Calvin's 'girlfriend' for eight weeks. She had been...she tried not to think about it. But the dates on the calendar jump out at her._

"So are you going to tell me why you haven't touched your pancakes?"

"Sorry, I'm just preoccupied," she admits.

"About?"

"My imperfections."

"Imperfections? You mean your scar?" he catches on quickly.

She nods.

"I shouldn't have brought it up, should I?"

"It's ok."

"Your nonverbals do not match your verbals."

"What do you want me to say Bobby? You want me to lie and say that I'm completely unaffected by every single undercover assignment that I've ever partaken in? You and I both know it's not true. It got easier, as time went on, but..."

"But what?"

"My scars are just reminders that I can try to forget things, but they'll never go away."

"What happened on that case?"

"Things I don't care to talk about."

"Not talking about it, has that worked for you?"

"Not exactly."

"They broke you?"

"They, no, he... he made me feel a passion for my job. He made me want to put bastards like him behind bars, where they belong."

"You don't have to tell me, but you should tell someone."

"I know."

"I won't push you, but..."

"You won't push me?"

"You don't have to tell me, but I do expect you to eat something," he demands.

She looks at the untouched pancakes on her plate, "Ok," she agrees.

"The past haunts all of us."

"You don't even begin to understand Bobby."

"Will I ever?"

"Maybe," she shrugs.

That night when she's at home, alone, she goes into her closet, and takes a shoe box off the top shelf. She dumps it out on the center of the bed. She sits next to the pile, and thumbs through the pictures. One sticks out. She stares at it for a very long time, and then places all of the pictures back into the shoe box one by one. She shoves the box in the back of the closet, on the top shelf.

_December 25__th__ 1994: She feels him looking at her. She rolls over in bed. His hazel eyes stare at her. He turns on the light. _

"_Am I ever going to meet your mother?" she jokes._

"_I'm glad that you asked. I don't usually take girls home to mom, but you're different."_

"_I'm sure that's what you tell everyone."_

_He opens the drawer of the bedside stand. She expects him to pull out a gun, but instead he pulls out a small box. He hands it to her._

"_What's this?" she questions._

"_Open it."_

_She opens the box and a diamond ring glistens in the light from the lamp. "What is this for?"_

"_I want you to marry me."_

"_Calvin I don't know what to say," she admits genuinely shocked._

"_Say yes," he begs._

"_Is there are reason that you're asking, all of a sudden?"_

"_Yeah," he nods._

"_What's that?"_

"_I'm going away for a couple of months."_

"_Going where?"_

"_Next month I'll be leaving to go upstate for a while."_

"_Upstate as in prison?"_

"_No," he shakes his head, "I've got business to take care of up there. I have to help my brother out for a while."_

"_How long?"_

"_Six, maybe seven months. Once I get him established I'll be back."_

"_Established?"_

"_He's opening a car dealership, and I want to make sure that he's being treated right."_

"_You don't want me to go?"_

"_Who would stay here and take care of things here if I go?"_

"_Tony, or Ben, or Jackie..."_

"_You're in charge. You know the most."_

"_You think that they'll listen to me?"_

"_There will be a terrible price to pay if they don't."_

"_So I'll be running things?"_

"_Of course. It makes the most sense."_

"_Can I say no?"_

"_Have you ever been able to say no to this face?"_

"_I guess not."_

"_So then marry me."_

"_When?"_

"_Tonight."_

"_Tonight?"_

"_We're going to Connecticut to meet my mother. She's got everything ready for us."_

"_Ok," she agrees._


	4. One More Day

Her cell phone buzzes from the cup holder as he drives.

"Are you gonna get that?" he questions.

She pulls the phone to her ear in frustration. "Hello," she answers.

"Is this Alex?" the voice on the other end questions.

"Who is this? You sound familiar."

"Alex. Listen this is Jackie."

"Why are you calling me? How did you get this number?"

"Doesn't matter. I don't have long. Just listen."

"Ok," she agrees.

"Calvin is getting paroled next week."

"I'm not worried about it," she admits.

"Alex he knows."

"Knows what?"

"Everything."

"Who told him anything?"

"It wasn't me. But he knows everything. Alex, I mean everything. He's already started looking."

"Who told him?"

"I think that his mother told him."

"She swore to me that she would never mention it."

"Well things change when you're on your deathbed. She died six months ago, she told him just before she passed.," he tells her. She hears a click, and hangs up on her own end. She stares at the phone in disbelief.

Goren looks at her as they sit at a red light.

"Who was that?"

"Someone I used to know."

"You sounded surprised that he was calling."

"Yeah."

"You look worried."

"The light's green," she replies.

He focuses his eyes on the road.

"You sounded concerned."

"Don't worry about it," she begs.

"I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on."

She ignores him, completely consumed by her own thoughts. She travels back to the past.

_December 25__th__ 1994~ She sits at the kitchen table of her new mother-in-law. She stares out the window at a Connecticut Christmas._

"_Jenny?" the voice brings her back to the table._

_She looks up at Calvin's mother. A woman who is in her early fifties, with chestnut hair, and hazel eyes. She's petite, nothing in comparison to her son, who is six foot three. He was nothing like her, except for the eyes. His hair was black. His nose was thin, but his mother's was wide. Her eyebrows were thin, just like her lips. His eyebrows thick, and his lips thicker. He looked like his father, a man he had never met._

"_I'm sorry Angela what were you saying?"_

"_Are you ok?"_

"_Just a little preoccupied I guess."_

"_Not having second thoughts are you?"_

"_No. The ceremony was gorgeous."_

"_I'm glad that you liked it."_

"_I should go check on him, see if he needs anything."_

"_Jenny when Calvin's out, he's out. I'm sure that you already know that."_

"_I do," she admits._

"_Jenny you don't have to hide anything from me. I know exactly who my son is. I tried my best to raise him to be a good man, but... he was always too headstrong for his own good. His brother on the other hand, the boy is an angel."_

"_Christopher has a good head on his shoulders."_

"_Jenny if my son doesn't take care of you, let me know."_

"_He does," she answers meekly._

"_He doesn't hurt you does he?"_

_She doesn't answer. _

"_Jenny," Angela begins, "You don't have to stay with him. I saw the bruises."_

"_You don't understand."_

"_I do."_

"_You really don't."_

"_Alex," she whispers, "I was at your graduation. My sister's boy, he graduated with you. Luckily I neither of my boys were there, and I can keep my mouth shut."_

_Alex stares at her completely appalled. "Listen if there's anything you want to tell me now is a good time. He's asleep, and don't count on him bringing you back anytime soon."_

"_He's leaving town for six months."_

"_Then he never has to know."_

"_Know what?"_

"_The truth."_

"_I don't know what you're talking about," Alex tries to play dumb._

"_I knew the instant you walked in here. I could just tell. I know these things, and don't tell me I'm wrong."_

"_I wasn't."_

"_You know what I'm saying?"_

"_Yeah," she nods, "I know."_

"_What are your plans?"_

"_I don't know. I haven't figured them out yet."_

"_Jenny get out while you can. You don't have to see this through. It would be better for you if you didn't."_

"_I don't know that I have a choice."_

"_You always have a choice sweetheart, you always have a choice. Just do what's best for you. If you can't live with being his wife, and everything that comes with it, then jump ship. Go now, while he's sleeping."_

"_I can't. I don't want to jeopardize everything that I've worked for."_

"_I understand."_

She stares out the window, but doesn't see a thing. The door opens and he rolls his eyes.

"Alex stop daydreaming."

Finally she comes back to reality. "What?"

"We're here," he points out.

"Where?"

"My apartment. Maybe you shouldn't drive home just yet."

"I'm sorry."

"The phone call?"

"Yeah. Someone I put in jail is getting paroled."

"You think that he'll come after you?"

"Not right away, that's not Calvin's style. He likes to control people psychologically."

"Calvin?"

"Alvarez."

"You worried? You could stay with me, my couch is pretty comfortable."

"He's not getting paroled until next week."

"The offer still stands."

"It's not me I'm worried about."


	5. A Million Miles From Home

_April 1__st__ 1995: She's sitting in her office, in Calvin's office. She sits at his desk, the one she'd been in charge of since January. She hated this hole mess, but she never got her hands dirty. Someone knocks on her door. She snaps back into reality. _

"_Come in," she answers._

"_Can we talk?"_

"_Close the door," she responds._

_The young man, a kid, really, closes the door. He approaches the desk, and waits for further instruction. _

"_Have a seat Jackie."_

"_Look Mrs. Alvarez I know I'm young..."_

"_How old are you exactly Jackie?"_

"_Does it matter?"_

"_It matters to me," she admits._

"_Seventeen, I'll be eighteen in three weeks."_

"_Jackie can I give you some advice?"_

"_Of course."_

"_Get out while you can."_

"_What does that mean?"_

"_Go back to school. Get an education. Get a job that you love, not one that puts you in the line of fire every day of your life."_

"_Mrs. Alvarez."_

"_Please call me Jen."_

"_Jen... I know how Calvin treats you, and it's not right."_

"_That's what you came in here for?"_

"_No ma'am."_

"_So then what did you come in here for? Something go wrong?"_

"_No."_

"_Spit it out," she demands._

"_I know."_

"_Know what Jackie?"_

"_The truth."_

"_What truth is that?"_

"_I know that you're not a natural blonde."_

"_What's your point?"_

"_You dyed your hair, just before you met Calvin. You wanted to be his type."_

"_Are you accusing me of something?"_

"_Nope."_

"_So what did you come in here for?"_

"_I know what you're hiding," he repeats._

"_Jackie, you already said that."_

"_Your hair, you let the root grow for a while."_

"_So? That's my prerogative."_

"_It is but..."_

"_But what? Do you have something that you want to say, or are you just rambling on?" she queries._

"_Your appointments."_

"_Which ones? I have lots of appointments. Stop beating around the bush, whatever you have to say, just say it."_

"_I know why you've been going to the hospital," he whispers._

"_You know? Or you think you know?"_

"_I won't tell nobody," he promises. "I haven't told nobody," he adds._

"_Tell them what?"_

"_You haven't told Calvin, cause he would have mentioned it. You don't want him to know."_

"_Know what?"_

"_Look stop playing dumb Jen. I know. I don't want to say it, cause I don't want to take the risk of someone finding out. I like you. I don't want you to get hurt."_

"_You're a good kid, find another trade, before you get hurt."_

"_I like my job."_

"_If you like delivering packages so much you should go work for UPS."_

"_Maybe one day."_

"_Jackie I like you. I'm going to make sure you don't get caught up in this mess."_

"_How?"_

"_When the time comes I'm going to fire you."_

"_Fire me?"_

"_Let you go. But I'm going to make sure that I find_ _you a place. A place where you can make a future for yourself, and not be dead by the time your twenty, or thirty."_

"_I..."_

"_Don't argue with me. Just promise that you'll do your best, and work hard, and make something of yourself. I don't want to see you out on the street again, once I let you go. Understood?"_

"_Why?"_

"_Jackie I can't tell you, just know that I'm doing you a favor. You might take a little pay cut, but it's going to be worth it."_

"_Yes ma'am."_

"_Now get out of here. I know you have things to deliver."_

She stares at him blankly. He hands her a cup of tea.

"Alex you've got to snap out of it. You have to work tomorrow," he points out.

"I know, so do you."

"Then drink this, and go to bed."

"What did you put in it?" she questions.

"Tea," he answers, "Chamomile tea."

"Right."

"Are you ok?"

"No Bobby, I'm not."

"Something's is weighing heavy on your mind, and I really wish that you'd tell me about it."

"Why? Why are you so interested? Are you my shrink now?"

"I'm just trying to be a good friend. But on the subject of shrinks..."

"I'm not seeing one."

"But you have?"

"And?"

"Have you talked about this? Whatever it is that's bothering you right now?"

"Not this in particular."

"Are you still hung up on that scar thing?"

"It's not the scar Bobby, it's the story connected to it."

"You're a pretty good story teller. I love listening, you should tell me."

"If you want to know you're going to have to find out on your own."

"Ok."

"Are you going to leave?"

"No. I think that I'm just going to stay on your couch."

"Why? I can take care of myself. I have a big gun."

"It would just make me feel better knowing that I'm here with you, just in case."

"Calvin Alvarez is not going to come after me. Not like this."

"He just got parole, today, and you're not worried?"

"Even if he knew where I was, I wouldn't be."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not afraid of him."

"Anymore?"

"I didn't say that."

"The look on your face did."


	6. Alex Eames, The Bigamist

She's waiting on her pizza to arrive, after a long day at work. Finally someone knocks on her door. She unchains her door, and pulls it open. She finds someone standing in front of her with Pizza.

"Really you didn't even check to see who it was?" he questions.

"I was hungry," she admits.

"I intercepted the pizza guy," he admits closing the door behind him.

"I can see that, but why are you here?"

"Alex..."

"Bobby?"

"I'm worried about you."

"That's sweet, but I'm fine."

She grabs a couple of beverages, and napkins, and heads to the couch. He brings the pizza, placing it on the coffee table. He takes a seat, and waits for the right moment.

"Why are you staring at me?"

"You shouldn't have said, what you said."

"When?"

"You shouldn't have told me that if I wanted to know I should find out on my own."

"Why?"

"Because I thought that meant you were giving me the green light to find out on my own, but once I did I realized that given the information, you wouldn't have done that."

"What did you find out?"

"That you're a bigamist."

"I'm not."

"You were married to two men at the same time."

"No I wasn't," she argues.

"Not legally but that's just a technicality really."

"Bobby stop it. _I _was only married to one man."

"But Jennifer Wade was married."

"Who?"

"You were her, you pretended to be Jennifer Wade. You had no choice. Then you got married, and you had to pretend to be Jennifer Alvarez. And you did a very good job."

"You looked at my file?"

"It's not in your file, but you already knew that. You just want me to show my cards."

"Obviously."

"You should tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"What I already know."

"How? I don't know what you know."

"I know everything."

"You might think so."

"I know everything. I know why you got that pained look on your face, and your heart sank when you found out that Calvin Alvarez was being paroled."

"He should still be in prison. He..."

"He killed one guy, by accident. He had the potential to do more, but you stopped him."

"Stop interrogating me," she warns.

"Alex, please just tell me."

"Tell you the truth, or the story that's playing in your head?"

"The truth."

"I can't."

"Try."

"I can't. But I do have something to ask of you."

"Ok?"

"I need you to find someone, discreetly. And you can't ask me, or anyone else any questions. I just need you to find them, and tell me their location."

"Ok."

"Grace Hayden."

"I've got it right here," he reveals handing her the piece of paper.

She gulps, but doesn't say a word.

"I already contacted Sarah and Brent Hayden."

"I..."

"It's ok."

"It's not ok. I should have done more."

"You did everything that you could."

_July 9__th__ 1995: She waits quietly. Finally the person she's been waiting on enters the room. Their eyes meet._

"_You must be Sarah?" _

"_Yes," she nods, "You're leaving already?"_

"_I've got to get back to work."_

"_I..."_

"_I don't have time to explain. My husband will be home from his business trip in a few hours."_

_Sarah approaches. Jen sits her bag on the floor. She hands Sarah an envelope. _

"_What's this?" _

"_It's everything you'll need to know."_

_Sarah looks at her in utter confusion. Jen stares at her newborn daughter. She holds the baby close. The newborn sleep peacefully. She kisses the baby, and then carefully places her in Sarah's arms. Jen grabs her bag, and starts for the door. _

"_This is..."_

"_The letter explains everything. Except one thing," Jen turns towards Sarah, "Her name. I hadn't planned on..." she begins to choke up, "call her Grace," she manages to get out. She turns around, and walks out the door. _

_Sarah stares at her new baby. "Hi Grace," Sarah smiles. The little girl's eyes flutter open. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to disturb you," Sarah apologizes. The baby's eyes close. Sarah removes Grace's cap, and touches her soft, thick dark waves of hair. _

_Sarah takes a seat on the hospital bed. She carefully opens the letter. By the time she reaches the third line she's in tears. When she finishes she neatly re-folds the letter, and places it back in the envelope. _

_She waits for him. Finally she drifts to sleep. When she wakes up the sun is shining. She finds that she's alone in the bed. She wonders into the living room, and finds Calvin asleep on the couch. She puts a blanket over him._

He stares into her tear filled eyes. He touches her hand gently. "You should have told me."

"I know."

"Alex it's ok."

"It's not ok," she disagrees.


	7. In The Eyes Of A Cop

The tears flow freely from her eyes. He moves in close, wrapping his arms around her. She buries her face in his shoulder.

"You didn't have a choice."

She pushes him away. "I had a choice, and I chose the wrong thing."

"You did..."

"I didn't do what was best. I should have left. I should have...things should have been done differently."

"You can't change the past."

"I wish that I could."

"Why did you choose the way that you did?"

"I thought that I would be ok, that I would... I would move on."

"Why did you do things the way you did?"

"I knew that I couldn't walk away then, if I did there would be a bounty on my head. I would never be safe, and I didn't want that for..."

"For your daughter, for Grace."

"I knew that I couldn't keep her, and stay undercover. I couldn't put her life in jeopardy for my career, it wouldn't be fair."

"You had no choice."

"I had a choice. But in the back of my mind... I kept thinking that if I raised her... I didn't want to hurt her."

"Hurt her? Alex you could never hurt her."

"I couldn't do it. I didn't want to have to spend everyday for the rest of my life looking into the eyes of a child, who reminded me of a monster."

_January 1__st__ 1996: They're at a party. She pretends to be happy, to be enjoying herself. He takes a seat next to her. _

"_Jen you ok? You haven't said much all night."_

"_I'm just tired."_

"_Jen you know that I don't usually question you, but something has been bothering me."_

"_Have I ever hidden anything from you Calvin?"_

"_Not to my knowledge."_

"_So what's been bothering you?"_

"_Why did you let Jackie go? He was one of my best guys. He was eager, and I... I really saw him moving up the company pretty quickly."_

"_He was a kid."_

"_That bothers you?"_

"_If you could choose this, or going to college, which would you pick?"_

"_This. I love money," he admits._

"_Calvin..."_

"_Tell me the truth why did you fire him?"_

"_Because he's a kid. I didn't want his blood on my hands."_

"_It's not like that."_

"_You've gone through six delivery guys in as many months," she points out._

"_Just because of some differences of opinion."_

"_Three of them ended up in the morgue," she reminds him._

"_They know the cost."_

"_Calvin you said that you were going to give all of this up."_

"_Soon," he promises._

"_When?"_

"_When I have a reason."_

"_What reason? A wife who worries that you're not going to come back every time you leave the house, that's not a reason."_

"_You can take care of yourself. I've seen you shoot."_

"_I don't believe you. I don't think that you'll ever give it up. The money is too good."_

"_Don't get so bent out of shape. You know that I'm doing this for you."_

"_What can I do to make you stop? I'm tired of all of this."_

"_If things would go according to plan, then I'd probably be out by now."_

"_What plan is that?"_

"_To start a family."_

"_What? This is the first I'm hearing about it. You probably should have mentioned that before, I am your wife."_

"_Jen is there a reason that it hasn't happened yet?"_

_Before she can answer Tony approaches them, "Hey Cal I need to talk to you for a minute."_

"_Whatever you have to say you can say in front of my wife."_

"_Are you sure?"_

"_Yeah," he nods._

"_I think you should end the party a little early."_

"_What are you talking about? We just got moved in here, it's New Year's, business is good. We've got plenty of reasons to celebrate."_

"_I've heard some whispers that something is going to go down tonight."_

"_Like what?"_

"_I don't know, but whatever it is, it's going to be big."_

"_I want it taken care of," he answers._

"_You're the boss," Tony nods, and walks away. _

_She sits on the couch, staring at Calvin. "Can we talk upstairs?" she questions._

"_Why..."_

"_Please," she begs._

"_Ok," he agrees. _

_He follows her up the stairs to their bedroom. He closes the door behind him. She paces in front of the window. She chews on her cuticle. He stops behind her. He places his hand on her shoulder. He wraps his arms around her affectionately._

"_What's bothering you? Why have you been so on edge the past few weeks."_

"_The truth?"_

"_Jen whatever it is, I can handle it."_

"_I know you can, I'm just not sure that I can."_

"_Handle what?"_

_She tries to explain. She gets choked up before she even begins. She starts to cry before she can get out a single word._

"_What? Is it something I said?"_

"_Yeah," she answers weakly._

"_What?"_

"_I don't think that... I don't want to start a family under these circumstances."_

"_What are you saying."_

"_Get out now," she answers._

"_Babe you know that I have to..."_

"_No. You don't. I can't keep going through this scenario in my head."_

"_What scenario?"_

"_You not making it home," she pretends to be upset about this thought._

"_Jen I'm always going to come home to you."_

"_It's not me that I'm worried about."_

"_Who are you worried about?"_

"_I'm late Cal."_

"_Late? What are you saying?"_

"_I'm saying that..." he stops her before she can even get the words out._

"_This is wonderful."_


	8. Sirens On

_She feels his body go rigid. Fear flickers on in her head. She looks up at him. He stares out the window, at a tree. His arms hold her like steel beams hold buildings, securely, and protectively. She looks out the window, but before she can see anything he jumps in front of her. He molds his body around her. Glass shatters, and a shot rings out. An army of footsteps race up the stairs as they fall to the ground. Tony enters the room first. He takes a shot, and she hears someone fall to the ground. She finds it hard to breath with his body on top of hers, completely motionless. _

_Tony quickly rolls Calvin off of her. She tries to sit up, but she can't make her muscles cooperate._

"_Jen stay still."_

_Someone else comes into the room, they kneel next to Calvin. They apply pressure to the gunshot wound to his back. _

"_Jen," Tony looks at her. He comes towards her with a towel. She finds it hard to breath. "Jen stay with me."_

"_I'm fine."_

_He kneels down next to her, and helps her to sit up. He presses a towel against her abdomen. _

"_What are you doing? I'm fine. I didn't get shot."_

_She rips the towel out of his hand, to find that she is indeed bleeding, that she had been shot too. Without a word Tony lifts the shirt over her head. Someone hands him a blanket. He presses a clean towel against her abdomen. He wraps the blanket around her._

"_I see why we keep you around."_

"_I used to be a nurse. I met Calvin in the E.R."_

"_I'm cold," she tells him._

"_I know."_

_The sirens blare in the back ground. The room begins to spin, and then everything fades to black. January 4__th__ 1996: She opens her eyes, and looks around. She finds herself in a hospital _

_bed. Her breath is unsteady. She looks around the room for a familiar face. She finds a familiar face sitting in a chair next to her, but not the one that she expected. _

"_Joe," her voice rasps. _

"_Alex I missed you."_

"_I'm sorry."_

"_For doing your job? Alex you nailed them. They're going away for a very long time."_

_This doesn't put her at ease. Joe moves towards her. He puts the side rail of the bed down, and takes a seat next to her. She leans forward into his awaiting embrace. Finally for the first time in over a year she feels safe. In her husband's arms. She takes in everything. The way he looks, his smile, his smell. _

"_I love you," he reminds her._

"_Joe..."_

"_I don't need to know what you had to do. All that matters is that you're here, with me, and you're safe."_

Goren looks at her finally, everything made sense. Everything that he could never figure out about her, it fell into place. He brushes a hair out of her face. She wasn't sure if she could admit it, but he made her feel safe. When he held her, she felt safe, like nothing, no one, could ever get to her.

"He loved you."

"Of course," she answers quickly.

"Not Joe. That's apparent, but Calvin, he loved you. He protected you. He put his life on the line for you."

"He loved Jen, in his own, twisted way. He tried to be a good husband. He just never had a role model to show him what a man was supposed to be."

"And part of you hated him for what he did."

She purses her lips, but doesn't answer.

"And part of you hated yourself for ever feeling an ounce of anything for him."

"I..."

"You lied to him. Told him what he wanted to hear. Why?"

"I knew that things were about to end, but..."

"What?"

She looks away, "I didn't lie."

"You didn't lie?" Bobby questions in confusion.

"They had to do surgery to remove the bullet." She finishes the sentence, but can't seem to find the words to continue.

"You were pregnant?"

"No, but I thought that I was. I... when I realized that I had been shot the only thought that went through my mind was that I hoped that I didn't survive. I didn't want to walk that road again. I knew that I would go off the deep end, no matter what decision I made."

"Are you sure?"

"I asked and..."

"You don't think that the doctor would have told you what you wanted to hear after being completely traumatized?"

"He didn't lie. I didn't even ask. I waited until after I was discharged from the hospital to find out."

"You don't think that the trauma could have caused..."

"It could have, but it didn't."

"You had a hard time believing that?"

"For a while, but I investigated thoroughly."

"So what now?"

"He's going to be out for blood."

"You think that he's going to come here?"

"Not first. He knows me too well. He knows that... he'll go after her. I betrayed him, I took everything that he had ever worked for away from him. He's going to try to do the same. He'll try to get to me through her."

"He won't."

"I can't know that."

The phone rings. She takes a breath, and gets off the couch. She grabs the phone off the counter. She pulls it to her ear.

"Eames," she answers.

"I need you to come get me," a frantic voice on the other end begs.

"Who is this?"

"Alex, it's me."

"Grace," she says quietly, "What's wrong? Why are you calling? How did you get this number?"

"They said if anything happened to call you."

"What happened?"

"I don't know. I'm in the safe room. I heard shots almost an hour ago. I'm scared. I don't know if he's still here."

"Stay where you are. I'll come get you."

"Ok."

"Do you want me to stay on the phone?"

"No. I'll be ok."

She hangs up the phone. Bobby meets her at the door with her keys. The don't wait for the elevator. They race down the stairs. His door is barely closed when the car pulls away from the curb. Alex puts her siren on. He tells her the address, and she flies towards Brooklyn.


End file.
